Bad jokes

[B18 GPC]

A poem...

Mary had a little lamb,
her father shot it dead.
And now it goes to school with her,
between two bits of bread.


There are more, but they're not really suitable for publication... :laugh:

Lol!

[Guest]

A Baptist minister was seated next to a Marine on a flight to Huntsville,
Alabama. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Marine asked for a whisky and soda, which was brought and placed
before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he like a
drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Marine then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

[Tupadre]

Constipated people don't give a s**t.

[Guest]

Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget.

In the end, he worked it out with a pencil.

badum-cha!

[Guest]

The Dodo died....
....then Dodi died....
....then Di died....
....Christ that Dido must be s*****ng herself?

[Guest]

I heard it with an extra element...

The Dodo died....
....then Dodi died....
....then Di died....
....and Dando died....
....Christ that Dido must be s*****ng herself?


I didn't get smacked as a child. Well, maybe a couple of grams when I couldn't sleep.

[D87SMW]

Jokes

I've heard that people who live in Yorkshire were finding it hard to understand 'Hello' magazine. The company have now launched a Yorkshire Edition called 'Howdo.'

[tony]

I've heard that people who live in Yorkshire were finding it hard to understand 'Hello' magazine. The company have now launched a Yorkshire Edition called 'Howdo.'

it goes to show how the educatoin budget in manchester area needs increasing, its not howdo , its eh up lad. :laugh:

[G51 NAV]

Sorry folks you may not understand the following joke unless like a number of people on here you're from Lancashire/Yorkshire:

A Leigh-lad finds himself (himsen?) on a sports-quiz on TV. The presenter says to him "Now Walter: this question's worth £1,000. Can you name three Olympic track-events beginning with the letter T?" Walt thinks for a minute and then says "Easy Mate! Th'urdles, Th'igh Jump and Th'undred Meters!!" :laugh:

[G51 NAV]

...and another on a similar theme:

A Leigh-woman takes a keep-fit video back to HMV. She says to the assistant "'Ere, Mate: I want mi munny back on this, its bloody yewsless!!".

The assistant says "What's the problem Madam, does it not play correctly?"

The woman says "Oh yeah, it plays fine, but the fitness-trainer presenting it is a yewsless gimmer, telling you to do stupid things!"

The assistant, rather shocked, says, "I am sorry Madam, this is a best-seliing keep-fit video and you're the first person to bring it back on the grounds that the presenter is useless. What is it she tells you to do which you find stupid?"

The woman stares back and says, "She does a quick warm-up for five minutes, then says 'Right Girls: hands on thighs, and copy what I do'. Now, I ask you: how the hell am I supposed to know what she's flippin' doin' when I've got me flippin' hands over me eyes!!!!"

[D87SMW]

Jokes

Man says to the doctor, "Doctor, I keep thinking I'm Tom Jones, is this common?"
The doctor replies, "Well, it's not unusual."

----------

A man stops his car and asks a pedestrian, "Is there a B&Q in Wigan?"
The pedestrian replies, "There's no B&Q in Wigan... Just W-I-G-A-N. Do you mean Bolton?"
The motorist replies, "But there's no Q in Bolton."
The pedestrian says, "Aye, there's always a Q in Bolton."

----------

What do you call four pies on a stick?
A Wigan Kebab.

----------

One of the favourite confections in Wigan is a Slappy. That's a whole Meat and Potato Pie slapped between a muffin (or barm cake as they call them)!

----------

Not so much a joke, but a previous Maestro of mine was bought new by a chap called Pye in Wigan.

[Guest]

Little lad asked by his millionaire dad what he wanted for his birthday so he replied:-

'Dad, please can I have a Spaceman outfit, a Secret Agent outfit and a Cowboy outfit?'

Dad being the perfect father promptly went to the local toyshop and bought him a Junior Apollo Astronaut kit, a James Bond 007 Junior kit and then took the train to Longbridge where he bought him MG Sport & Racing! :laugh:

Many a true word..............

[Guest]

Two drunks on a train:-

1st one - 'Is the Wembley?'
2nd one - 'No, it's Thursday'
1st one - 'So am I. Let's go and have a drink!'.

[philippope]

Bill and Ben, the Flowerpot Men, in the pub. Bill says "flobalobalob". Ben says "I'll drive, you're bl**dy p**ssed again!"

[Guest]

After numerous rounds of, "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George W. a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:


370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service. Eventually they asked Canada's RCMP for help. The RCMP cabled the White House:

"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down." :laugh: