Bad jokes

[D87SMW]

Cracking Joke!

"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down." :laugh:

:laugh: I like it, nice one! :laugh:

[Guest]

Tell this in the 'bad joke' section but IMHO, it's quite good.

The Swedish Chemist Joke (should be told with a Swedish accent)

'Good morning, Sven'
'Good morning, Lars. What can I do for you?'
'I would like some doedorant'
'Certainly. Would you ball or aerosol?'
'Neither - it's for the armpit!.

:laugh:

[Guest]

A man with a 25-inch long **** goes to his doctor to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint.

"Doctor," he asked, in total frustration,"is there anything you can do for
me?"
The doctor replies, "Medically, there is nothing I can do... But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.

The man calls upon the witch and relays his story.
"Witch, my **** is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done
to help me? You are my only hope."
The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I
think I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this, go deep into
the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting
on a log. This frog has magic. You say to the frog, 'Will you marry me?' When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem." The
man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO."
The man looked down and suddenly his **** was 5 inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud, "this is great!" But it was still too long at 20 inches, so he decided to ask the frog to marry him again. "Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his ****, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his **** again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment.

Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal.
Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry
me?"
The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, "How many times do I have to tell you?.....


.....NO, NO, NO!!!"...... :laugh:

[D87SMW]

Jokes

Met a girl the other night, she said "I know 53 positions."
So I told her "Oh, right... I only know the one, where a man goes on top of a woman."
She replied "Oh yes. 54."

[Maria]

Are you sure you should be admitting that in public, Steve :laugh:

[D87SMW]

Jokes

Are you sure you should be admitting that in public, Steve :laugh:

:laugh: Thankfully my knowledge is greater than that.

[Guest]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

" You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

" I am, replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, " You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, " but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, " you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quanity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now,somehow, it's my fault."

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[Guest]

First Christmas joke...

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife. "No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said. Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing". As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" "It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!", to which the man quietly replied. "Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear".

[D87SMW]

Jokes

"Well," said the woman, " you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quanity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now,somehow, it's my fault."

:laugh: I like that. Nice one, I_S.

[Guest]

A letter.

I shall seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake, and sweat until you moan and groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I
finish with you. And you will be weak for days.

All my love,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The Flu :laugh:

Now get your mind out of the gutter and b*gg*r off 2 get your flu shot !

[Guest]

Two parrots sitting on a perch. One says to the other, can you smell fish?

[Guest]

[Maria]

2 peanuts went into a bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was assaulted.

Did you hear about the man who drowned in his muesli? A strong currant pulled him in.

[Guest]

Bush and Blair go to a restaurant where the extremely attractive waitress recognises them both but manages to control herself.

Blair orders a Dover Sole and when the waitress asks what Bush would like, he smiles at her and says:-

'Miss, I wouldn't mind a quickie!'

Waitress replies - 'Mr President, how dare you! I have voted for you and worshipped you from afar as the leader of our nation. Now I see you for what you really are and all respect and admiration that I ever had for you has passed, you sexist pig!' She slaps his face and rushes out in tears.

Blair leans over and whispers to Bush:-

'George, I believe that it's pronounced 'quiche'!

[Maria]

:laugh: