Bad jokes

[Beaker]

President Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"No" said Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the President. "That's what we would call great loss." The room went silent.

No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand... In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs.Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed President Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either!!!".

[Guest]

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year,
and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way.
My friends encouraged me. And my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed.
That one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight
mini skirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when
near me and I got many a pleasant view of her. It had to be deliberate. She
never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to
me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for
me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She
told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.

I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside.

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family." The moral of this story is:


Always keep your condoms in your car. :laugh:

[Guest]

US Navy

This is a transcript of an ACTUAL radio communication between a U.S. NAVY ship and Canadian authorities off the cost of Newfoundland, October 1995. Radio log released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10/10/95:

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees South to avoid collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees North to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES
WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse . . . Your call.

[B18 GPC]

Lol Last 3 Above This Verry Good!

[Guest]

Late one night; a young chap was walking home from the pub. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster.........
BUMP........BUMP.......
BUMP........BUMP.......
BUMP........BUMP........
The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......
BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair. Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges
it continued its chase.....
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges..... The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet...... He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin.......still it came ........
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ........still it came......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still it came......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........







The coffin stopped

[B18 GPC]

What the hell ?

[E_T_V]

haha. that is really really bad but quite good at the same time Keep up the bad work!

[Guest]

A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Ralph. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Ralph the rooster costs £3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Ralph.

The farmer takes Ralph home and sets him down in the farmyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Ralph seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Ralph takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Ralph nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.

After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Ralph is in there.

Later, the farmer sees Ralph after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Ralph out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Ralph on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Ralph, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Ralph opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhh! They're getting closer." :toothy:
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