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**Maria** · 18th October 2004, 16:17

:laugh:

**e692wtt** · 18th October 2004, 17:24

Originally posted by E_T_V

...

I thought I saw an invisible red tomato once.
But no, it was just a pigment of my imagination.

A once had a friend who just used to watch TV and movies all day, every day. But then one day he sat down and watched Wonder Woman, Supergirl, X-Men featuring Halle Berry and Famke Janssen and it all become too much for him and he had a heart-attack and died. The doctors blamed it on a heroine overdose.

Did you know that Dame Vera Lynn got the idea for her most famous song from when she was a child and lived on a cow farm. One year the winter was particularly bad so they had to kill all the young calves in order to eat. One day young Vera asked her mother what was for dinner that evening.
"Veal meat again" she was reported to have replied.

I thought I saw an invisible red tomato once.
But no, it was just a pigment of my imagination.

A once had a friend who just used to watch TV and movies all day, every day. But then one day he sat down and watched Wonder Woman, Supergirl, X-Men featuring Halle Berry and Famke Janssen and it all become too much for him and he had a heart-attack and died. The doctors blamed it on a heroine overdose.

Did you know that Dame Vera Lynn got the idea for her most famous song from when she was a child and lived on a cow farm. One year the winter was particularly bad so they had to kill all the young calves in order to eat. One day young Vera asked her mother what was for dinner that evening.
"Veal meat again" she was reported to have replied.

And these last three are no better the second time around :laugh: .

No, I liked 'em all, good to have decent, polite jokes for once. Now where's me pen and paper?????

**D87SMW** · 18th October 2004, 18:25

Poor Jokes

Switched the telly on, and I said "You seen what's going on in Bosnia?"

She said "No, I was in the garden all day yesterday."

Wife said "I fancy an omelette for breakfast." You won't believe this, she got the recipe book out!

'Seperate two eggs' - She put one in the bloody living room.........

**e692wtt** · 18th October 2004, 18:49

I was sat on the toilet the other night, contemplating the meaning of life (as you do...) and my eye caught sight of the sky.

I was inspired, I could see the firmament stretching into infinity, Venus setting in the west and Jupiter rising above the trees to the south east. I could see the Plough and Polaris (the 'north star'), and the Milky Way too. Man, I was so taken by the beauty of Creation, I only had one thought...

"I must put a roof on this outside toilet!!!"

**Guest** · 18th October 2004, 21:09

I was once walking in South-West England with John Lennon. We paused to take in a breathtaking view, and I said, "John, imagine there's no Devon." Shortly after that, he wrote his famous song - Help!

What's red and sits in the corner getting smaller and smaller?
A baby with a potato peeler.

What's worse than finding 10 dogs in a bin?
Finding a dog in 10 bins.

Why do Ladas have heated rear windscreens?
To keep your hands warm when your pushing them.

A man walked into the parts department of his local garage and said, "I'd like a new spark plug for my Lada, please."
The man behind the counter paused for a moment, then shrugged his shoulders and said, "Go on then - I suppose it's a fair swap."

**Guest** · 23rd October 2004, 20:45

What's green and turns red at the flick of a switch?

A frog in a liquidiser.

**Guest** · 25th October 2004, 23:30

Two nuns are sitting in a traffic jam waiting for the lights to change, when without warning, a vampire appears in front of the windscreen.

"Oh, no sister, what shall we do?" stammers the younger nun.
"Do not worry," comes the reply. "Simply show him your cross."

The younger nun promptly winds down the window and yells, "F*** off, you little b*st*rd!"

**D87SMW** · 26th October 2004, 11:23

Jokes

Good one I.S.

--------------

Found myself in the loo the other day, and I couldn't remember what I was there for. As they say, going back to where you started will help you remember, and so I did.

Went back to the lounge, my uncle was having an angina attack and I was going to get his pills!

--------------

Why do meat pie's have a hole in the top?

It's so people from Wigan can carry four on each hand!

**B18 GPC** · 26th October 2004, 18:22

my no meaning ness is this ment to be in any way offensive to any Police officer... its one ive heard , and isnt all that funny ?

What do you call a police officer with exma ?

Pork Scratchin

**Guest** · 26th October 2004, 23:30

:laugh: NWC :laugh:

Once upon a time,there was a non conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for winter.

However, soon the weather turned so cold that relunctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard almost frozen.

A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow.The sparrow thought it was the end,but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings, warm and happy to breath he started to sing.

Just then a large cat came by and on hearing the chirping investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the pile of manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

The moral of the story is:

1. Everyone who sh*ts on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2. Everyone who gets you out of the sh*t is not necessarily your friend.
3. And if you're warm and happy in a pile sh*t keep your mouth shut.

**B18 GPC** · 27th October 2004, 10:58

Originally posted by Insurance_shafted

:laugh: NWC :laugh:

Once upon a time,there was a non conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for winter.

However, soon the weather turned so cold that relunctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard almost frozen.

A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow.The sparrow thought it was the end,but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings, warm and happy to breath he started to sing.

Just then a large cat came by and on hearing the chirping investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the pile of manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

The moral of the story is:

1. Everyone who sh*ts on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2. Everyone who gets you out of the sh*t is not necessarily your friend.
3. And if you're warm and happy in a pile sh*t keep your mouth shut.

That Is A Good One!!!! :laugh:

**Guest** · 27th October 2004, 15:17

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his check up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him."

"Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse.

Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs."

"Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

**D87SMW** · 27th October 2004, 15:32

Jokes

'Poems and flowers are all we can share, for today is your birthday and you're not there.'

-----------------

'Picking your nose is a disgusting habit, so in future you can do it yourself.'

**e692wtt** · 27th October 2004, 16:36

A poem...

Mary had a little lamb,
her father shot it dead.
And now it goes to school with her,
between two bits of bread.

There are more, but they're not really suitable for publication... :laugh:

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